It has been a minute since I’ve posted a blog entry, but for good reason. I had a lot of healing I needed to tend to, and I still do, but I’m in a place where I’m ready to start talking about it. Even though I hear about how hard this path can be, I feel like I don’t see a lot of people sharing a raw look into what healing can look like and that’s something I could have benefitted from especially in the beginning of my spiritual journey. It’s definitely not easy practicing that kind of honesty and vulnerability, but I know if it can help me, it can help others, so here we are. I’m someone who’s held onto a lot of darkness and slapped a happy face on it like a band-aid and I feel like that led me to trying to force a positive mindset through my healing process. I’ve learned that if I wanted to cultivate true peace and contentment into my life, I was going to have to address that first. Did I think it was going to take this long? Absolutely not, but am I surprised? Also no. I’m a very hard-headed person who tends to take the harder path, but I like to think there’s a higher purpose for it.

I’ve worked really hard over that last couple of years to bring change into my life, but I’ve hit a wall with the things in my life that can’t be changed. Mental health has always been a hot topic for me considering I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 4. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 23 and I believe I am on the spectrum as well but with the lack of support for adult in that area, I’ll likely never know for sure. These disorders and diagnosis’ don’t define me by any means but it sure as hell made a lot of my daily hardships and past struggles make a lot of sense. I’ve taken time to educate myself on ADHD and ASD and I’ve found a lot of ways to support myself, but sustainable change isn’t created through hate and I’ve held onto a lot of hate for my mental health for a long time. Now that I see my daughter struggling in the same way, I can’t help but feel guilty even though I know it’s out of my control. Regardless, I would never want her to hate the way she is the way I do. Like I said, you can try creating change through hate, but it won’t give you the foundation to sustain those changes for long, so that hatred I’m holding onto needs to be addressed before true change can come in.

*Salish Sea (Puget Sound) near the San Juan Islands*

I really am my own worst enemy sometimes. I have a beautiful life, but I have a habit of letting the negative within myself overshadow the blessings I have around me. I self-sabotage and it’s created a lot of resentment towards myself. My lack of acceptance for the not so pretty parts of myself creates a barrier between me and my peace. It holds me back from fully going after life because I have this old belief that I need to hide pieces of myself. I still hold shame for those moments I’ve been “to much,” to aggressive, loud, awkward, weird, opinionated, etc., and instead of accepting and embracing those qualities, I’ve been trying to change/suppress them. I tell others that their true gifts come from the pieces of themselves they try to hide, but it’s something I’ve struggled to accept for myself. The lesson here is there is no change without acceptance and, sometimes, the change is acceptance itself.

Of course, I would love to end this with how I overcame this and moved forward from it, but that wouldn’t be much a current update. What I can tell you is how I’m working through it. First and foremost, I’m reclaiming my power to create the reality I deserve by recognizing where I’m giving my power away to other people, places, and things that don’t need/deserve it. I’m addressing projected insecurities and unprocessed emotions held onto from the past. I’m recognizing how/where I’m self-sabotaging and finding ways around that. I’m working on finding healthy coping mechanisms that work for me like getting outside, eating a healthy meal, or spending time alone (difficult as a mom, but not impossible). I’m allowing myself to be vulnerable enough to share that story in real time just in case it helps someone else going through the same thing, but this is real life spiritual work. This is the work that gives me the tools to help others and that helps me a lot when I’m struggling to do it for myself. I’m realizing, though, that I get a lot more out of it when I do it for me.

Anywho, I’m ready to come out of my shell now, so I’ve got some exciting things coming. I’m going to start breaking down some of my spiritual beliefs and practices to allow a closer look at what I do beginning with what I call generational healing. Generational healing covers inner child healing, closing generational cycles, healing your relationship with yourself, and ancestral work and is the compass to my spiritual work. It is the why and how of my spiritual work, so keep an eye out for that. I will also be going more into depth about my experience with astrology and how I use that in my healing process. The Aries in me can and will bore you to death with the amount of ideas I have, so just keep checking in. Who knows what else I’ll throw in the mix.